|issue number one - September, 2000
As I see it,
is for whoever shows up for it.
People are fond of
There is no such thing as Realization
There is no such thing as Enlightenment
Why single them out?
There is also no such thing as words
movies and popcorn
little green frogs
rice and veggies
To me this non-existent non-process of non-awakening is
just too intimate to think about the fact that
it isn't happening.
Otherwise, why do I feel so grateful?
This is how I
discriminate in my own gradual
process. Am I trying and struggling or am I
allowing? Effort is the sign for me to stop
whatever I am doing in my mind and rest in
Self. Then whatever is done is done, but not
And in each moment
of clarity comes the insight..."I need do
~ Kristi, I always heard that line in my own heart as
"If there's one thing I need do, it's nothing."
I am not mocking
you, my friend,
but noticing the shine of your new
hammer could be a mirror just for you.
You do seem to try so very hard.
All my foolishness
arises in the Silent IAm. I would be
even more of a fool to turn a blind eye to it. I am
particular alert to the mind's capacity for
self-deception. It is a core element of my 'practice' to
be vigilant in this way.
It is walking the razor's edge to be watchful for mind's
expectations, projections and judgements while absorbed
in/as Silent Heart. I find that willingness to see, and
seeing through my own bullshit leads to deepening and
expansion of awareness.
We don't trust
because we have forgotten what it is. We have come to
trust our intellect which does not, in its nature of
limitation, know the infinite. The intellect can 'know
about' it and that understanding is a step toward trust.
But there is no real letting go without direct
experience, given by Grace.
This is my report from a 7-day silent retreat with
For those who are not acquainted with Gangaji, she is an
American woman in the lineage of Ramana Maharshi and
Poonjaji - Papaji. As a personality she is a powerful
presence, beautiful and gracious with incisive
intelligence and a playful wit, all used in service to
Arriving and leaving on two Saturdays, we were in silence
from Sunday morning to Friday evening except for two
satsangs meetings each day and some singing.
Being with her and the group of about 200 this time was
yet another excursion into self-honesty and through that
into deepening awareness of/as Self. Self-inquiry for her
leaves no thought, emotion or identity fragment unturned.
She said again, "Never forget the mind's capacity
for self- deception, as long as you are in the
During the first satsang she laid out a framework for
inquiring through and past the veiling mind. In duality,
all the "doing" that the mind does is toward or
away from forms and situations which are believed to
produce experiences one either wants or does not want.
We reach *toward* by desiring, hoping, acquiring,
achieving, clinging, grasping. We move *away from* by
avoiding, rejecting, judging, defending, denying,
resisting. I observe these in myself as a sensation of
pushing or trying.
Seeing these movements of the mind, one can stop in the
neutral wholeness of the present moment where nothing is
sought or avoided.
One way that self-inquiry can be practiced is by
observing oneself down through the layers of these
movements which comprise the stories of our daily lives.
First notice the Story then move awareness
down below that to Body Sensations under those to
Emotions beneath these to Energies sinking through that
I find that recognizing the activity of my mind as
simply energy continues to depersonalize and free it.
I was also reminded that underneath anger, fear,and all
negative emotions is helplessness - the one experience
that humans avoid the most. Over this we layer all sorts
of stories and "doings" and distortions of
power. Attack occurs when one feels s/he has failed in
trying to get or get rid of and covers the underlying
sense of helplessness.
The self-inquiry of feeling directly into helplessness
down through that can be a straight route into essential
I came home gracefully discombulated and expanded.