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by Gene Poole

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How important is it to be a vegetarian?...There is a Chinese saying "what you eat is what you are," but I really wonder if that has got anything to do with our diet.


Precisely what we eat, and do not eat, are only two issues of many many thousands of issues and factors which will determine exactly how enlightened we will become, and when we will become enlightened.

As you may suspect, dietary concerns rank high on the list of 'need to know' facts. In fact, ordinary, non-enlightened individuals may take up to 80 years to learn enough about food and the body, to be able to make the correct choices. Given this daunting schedule, it makes good sense to simply seek out a perfect Dietary Master, and follow directions to a 'Pea'.

Not only is vegetarianism usually ranked high on the list of correct conduct, but the spiritual rumor-mill has it that those who eat meat, will be reincarnated as cannibals or worse, as a cow. And that would be a mighty lesson, for as we know, every cow is a vegetarian. (Which gives a whole new spin to the phrase 'vegetarian meal', eh?)

Now that we have covered the dietary issues, we can turn our attention to the seemingly infinite list of other probable obstacles to enlightenment, such as the color of clothes that you choose to wear (or not, for nudism is also seen as a sure path to high spiritual attainment!).

Red clothing denotes raging anger, held deeply. But red can be offset by liberal amounts of green, unless you are a capitalist, in which case green denotes money, the 'root of all evil'. And you surely know how evil clashes with enlightenment, yes?

Black clothes denote that you are in mourning for your lost soul, but this can be offset by wearing a white carnation, unless you are a member of the radical Live Bouquet Power faction, which does not allow the picking of flowers. If so, you must wear a mauve ceramic flowerpot on your head, filled with the most pure organic loam, in which is growing an exotic aloe vera plant, to be used as medicine in case of jaundice or, alternately, mild sunburn. But the sacrifice of this sacred aloe plant must of course be accompanied by the most sincere of ritual prayer and other properly mystical and/or esoteric behaviours, which will of course be evaluated by your Higher Self and/or Guardian Angel. Such reports are then filed in Karma Central Control, to later be tabulated and interpreted. The scores are tallied and the number of impure thoughts are deducted, while good deeds are added in compensation.

The most mystical Masters compare the path of enlightenment to an elevator, which goes up or down according to how we 'tip' the elevator attendant, also known as 'ego'. Heavy tipping will paradoxically send the elevator down, while abstinance from flattering Ms Ego will result in rapid ascent to the penthouse of higher consciousness. Of course, the attendant will resent not being tipped, so the whole journey can be a lot of ups and downs. And that explains the whole thing.

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