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#1425 - Thursday, May 8, 2003 - Editor: Jerry
some people in every era
really want to understand
most want to be comfortable and consoled
some will challenge their own beliefs
but in every era of (apparent) human history
there is at least one enlightened being
he/she/it may speak or remain silent
he/she/it is the OPEN DOOR to existence itself
~ ~ ~
When you find a pure one, a real teacher, a true guru like my
own teacher, Nome, where there is not a trace of ego left, the
light shines pure. It is the light of Consciousness, and the
words spoken transcend the human realm. His teacher Ramana
Maharshi was like an empty vessel of pure Consciousness. This
is guru. And all true gurus have been the same one. Just
simply this pure Consciousness. There may seem to be words
spoken and words heard but it is a divine communication. It
transcends time and space. That's why when you are in the
company of your perfect guru, you don't have to remember the
words, but you find the place in your self that is that same
guru, that perfect stillness, that Silence, that Truth. That
always only is. So the words spoken and listened to are really
the grossest form of this relationship. It really is a
relationship that transcends all relationships. At some point
the words are actually heard and taken to heart. When the guru
points you in the direction of your own perfect Being and you
finally understand, then you yourself are the same as the
guru, that perfect absolute Awareness.
- My dreams at night are more interesting than I am. They're
interesting, I'm not, they're colorful and fun, I'm not. Well,
they can have it. - I had a small epiphany tonight. I was looking at some
pictures and then it hit me: You don't have to do anything,
you don't have to do anything. That sense of there nothing is
necessary to do expanded and filled the room. I got slightly
relieved and then the sense of there not being anything that
needs to be done grew even more and swallowed the relief.
I used to be happy about relief inducers like that but now I
just like the wide expanse beyond it.
- When I was little I used to have a bad conscience b/c what I
liked best was to put down all thoughts and just let the mind
wander, it would clear my head and eventually the thoughts
would disperse into a soft relaxedness that was like a wide
field. In general that was very relaxing and my favorite place
to be. I had a bad conscience liking not thinking so much b/c herding
thoughts seemed to be very important and ppl did it so much.
When I think about it no one else seemed to doing that. It was
a relief whenever I could do it, put the thoughts down like
crates on the floor and just be.
On the surface I was a busy pupil always doing homework and
reading a lot but alongside that I always used to put my
thoughts down on the floor. It was always a relief getting rid
of the burden. Holding thoughts fast in the mind seemed like
an unnatural state of the mind and it was exhausting.
I marveled at the strength with which ppl could hold thoughts
in their mind and the importance they attached to it.
Remembering things was important, defining oneself and
sticking to that was important. I was surprised.
Personally I liked being as relaxed as possible and putting
the thoughts down on the floor. I didn't want to carry any
unnecessary thoughts, they were to heavy.
I still dislike carrying thoughts and defining myself. I can
never make up my mind and define myself in or with a certain
style. When I can choose, I'm usually all over the place. I
don't find anything which truly defines me.
When ppl defined me or explained how they saw me, I felt they
were wrong, no matter how they saw me and that no one managed
to define me accurately. Only later did I learn that different
ppl view a person differently depending on how they've
interacted, that these views are as many as the different
moods of the interactions and that none of them are correct or
I think that's the conclusion. Very little is absolute, trying
to define something will always leave out one or more aspects
of the phenomenon you're trying to define.
ADDENDUM These days I can't answer even the simplest questions
about myself. What is your favorite movie ? Errr.... What do
you like to do best ? Errr... What do you think about - ?
Errr... And while I'm in the process of searching for the
answer, the questioner loses interest and moves on to the next
person. It's the same thing again. Thoughts disappear, the mind
refuses to barricade itself behind definitions and "this is
what I am and do"'isms. I think I'm going to stick to that.
Oh yeah, often when someone wants to be personal and asks
about my favorite movie or activity or whatever and gets the
"errr..." answer, the reply is: "You're not very personal, are
you?" And I'm left standing there waving my hands thinking
"but but but, I'm not being secretive on purpose, I'm in the
process of finding the answer to your question."
Of my old apartment, I miss:
The creaking floors
The noise from the street and the highway
The boys slamming into the hall door at 1:30 in the morning and clumping up the stairs
The sense that the street was right outside and when I descended to the sidewalk I was in a good show.
Glimpses of the girls who lived downstairs. They kept to themselves pretty much but I wrangled one of their smiles every now and then.
Jerry the landlord
The stoop and the succession of people I hung out there with...the most recent being Wendy, we'd sit there for a while every day after our noon exercise.
The crazy bathroom, long and rectangular and awkward.
Seeing the steeple of St Stanislaus church in the morning when I'd make my coffee. Sometimes after a rain the steeple would be reflected in the water that collected on the flat roof next door.
The progression of: Church, bar, deli, tax place, vet hospital, funeral home, from left to right up and down the street.
Memories of Courtney Moore upstairs and how the last time I was there, for Angela's party, I got a nosebleed and had to leave.
The disfunctional kitchen sink. Kicking the under-cabinet every time.
All that stuff.
Best of all was the feeling of being a wanderer on this earth.
~ ~ ~
You know it is a curious
thing having a life happen. I truly had no plans a year and a
half ago, two years ago, three years ago, yet look at all that
One of the reasons for my nearly catastrophic depression when I was married was that life was so damn boring. Nothing ever happened. It seemed like my life would be an endless series of days at work and nights in front of the tv or reading.
Now all of a sudden things have accelerated. I have this growing business which has brought me a lot of prosperity. And I have moved into a big house and am becoming a kind of inn-keeper of sorts.
And yet on a fundamental level nothing has changed. Simply that which experienced life as boring has sloughed and fallen away. And that which is in the flow is not resisting the flow and so on it rushes.
It seems pointless to speculate about the future. The Universe seems to have great fun bringing these packages of blessing to me and laying them at my feet.
Even the "bad" stuff - like my mother's death last year - is experienced as blessing.
The heat is suddenly on.
It's been sweltering these past few days. Today I just caught my
beans at the point of expiration and set to with emergency
watering and mulching. The blade of grass pollination did the
trick and the Romas are covered with tiny green globes. In a
month it will be tomato heaven. Also I need a new fan for my
office. As some of you know in my wildgardenness I rarely turn on
the air conditioner. My house is shaded by old trees and I crave
open windows. When it's 95 I'll turn on the cold but still keep
the windows open. I feel confined when closed off from the
This is the hottest part of the year. About mid-June is when the daily afternoon rain showers start and after the rain it's usually in the lower 80's and sometimes the 70's for the rest of the evening.
I went to the library to fill out interlibrary loan requests for some of Blyth's books. Zen and English Literature, Haiku part 1.
I browsed for a few books about Christianity, as Christian folk have lately sprouted like mushrooms on my friends list, and I want to understand the discourse a little better.
I picked up Christianity for the Twenty First Century by Alexander Men, and Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris, as well as a book on Christian mystics by Andrew Harvey. I also found an old Greek Orthodox Catechism that I brought home and leafed through. I really like that it's an unbroken tradition carrying original teachings, but....there's just something about churchness, about the body of the Church as a mystical body itself, and the sense of required obedience to Church, that makes me nervous.
I think am more at home with sangha, community of practitioners loosely bound by practice, rather than by doctrine.
I think the Liturgy looks really cool, though.
I am trying to do some other writing tonight and it's rough going. And it's unbelievably hot.
I'll miss Colorado this summer.
I haven't been for 3 years and it's lovely and cool at 9,000 ft.
In Four Mile Canyon
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