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Issue #3408, Saturday, January 10, 2009, Editor: Mark
Editor's note: This issue is dedicated to my friend Michael Read, who
used to take the HLs with a big grain of salt. Wherever you are, Bro,
this one's for you.
Big bang traced to Wisconsin soccer mom!
December 28, 2009
(Burlington, VT) -- Theoretical physicists from the University of
Vermont have determined that the universe originates from the mind of
Samantha Green, a 37-year-old mother-of-two from Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
According to scientists, the discovery was made when the Hadron super
collider went back online on June 16, 2009 at CERN in Geneva,
Switzerland. The Hadron suffered problems during its initial run on
September 10, 2009, which some have speculated may also have
inadvertantly caused the world financial markets to collapse. A
problem with helium leakage led to the particle accelerator's being
shut down after only ten days of operation. However, it was not
apparent to researchers until this week where the exact origin of the
Mrs. Green told reporters, "I am really stunned. I had no idea." When
asked to explain what happened, Green replied, "I remember reading
about the Hadron collider in the newspaper on Wednesday morning. They
were calling it the Dooms-Day machine. Later that evening, my family
and I were watching a Steven Hawking's documentary, The Creation of
the Universe. I turned to my sons and said, 'What's the Big Bang? Is
that what that Dooms-Day machine is all about?' And that's all I know
Scientists are still working on determining why it took them so long
to locate Mrs. Green calling it, "a delay in the relay." States
Michael Blunt, physicist from UoV, "I think everybody got so caught
up in everything that was going on that we never thought to ask which
came first. When we finally did realize, it was a big D'oh! moment, I
- posted to AdvaitaToZen
Who Is Swami Beyondananda?
Once in many, many lifetimes comes a being so evolved, so
enlightened, so pure that the entire world is transformed.
Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anyone like that around these
Fortunately, we do have Swami Beyondananda to help us maintain our
jestive health in a world that has become less and less funny. As the
Swami says, "Indeed, the world is in a grave state -- and the best
way to overcome gravity is with levity."
Swami can truly say he came from humble beginnings. His parents
operated a Humble gas station just outside of Muskogee, Oklahoma. At
a very early age, it became apparent that young Swami was different
from the other children. You know how children quietly put their
heads down on the desk when they fall asleep in class? Well, Swami
would float to the ceiling. His father realized he could not provide
the spiritual training that his gifted young son needed, so he
apprenticed him to the most evolved spiritual teacher in Oklahoma,
the Native American shaman Broken Wind.
Broken Wind believed that we are traumatized as babies by intestinal
gas or colic. The great shaman invented a technique called "gastral
projection" to help release these traumas. His philosophy was
simple: "To air is human ... but to really cut one loose is divine."
Young Swami was a mischievous boy who liked to play pranks on his
teacher while the latter was meditating. Often, he would sneak up on
Broken Wind from behind, grab him around the chest in a kind of
Heimlich maneuver, and squeeze as hard as he could. His good-natured
teacher put up with this for a while. But one day, true to his name,
he gastrally-projected his young charge across the room. Swami
learned a valuable lesson that day: Don't squeeze the shaman.
Now Swami grew up in a Methodist family (actually, his father was
Methodist and his mother was Catholic -- so technically, he was a
Rhythm-Methodist) and as a young teenager, he became quite taken with
the opposite sects. He was very impressed when an Oklahoma swami who
called himself the Yogi From Muskogee (Swami has since taken that
title) came to his boy scout troop and taught him to tie himself into
twelve different knots. Swami quickly embraced the path of the yogi
and mastered many advanced techniques, including levitation. Building
on the gift for levity he was born with, Swami would often hover over
the stands at his high school football games and moon the crowd. He
was the only student in Muskogee history ever to get suspended for
But like many a young man before him who flew too high too soon, the
Swami was headed for a fall. His accelerated path to yogihood hit a
dead end when his kundalini exploded in a crowded department store.
No one else was injured, but Swami caught an inflection which left
him with a permanent East Indian accent.
Now this was in the late 1960s, right in the midst of the Sects
Revolution, and Swami began to explore all kinds of kinky sects. He
studied with the guru of rock n' roll, Baba Oom Mow Mow, who taught
his own version of the Golden Rule: "Do wop unto others as you would
have them do wop unto you."
A failed romance with a singer in one of Baba Oom Mow Mow's girl
groups left Swami in heartbreak hotel -- and that was how he Came to
Elvis. When Elvis appeared in a dream asking, "Are you lonesome
tonight?" Swami converted to Presleyterianism right on the spot. It
was one of those new lite religions popping up in those days -- same
satisfaction with one third the commandments. For the prophet Elvis
asks only three things of his flock:
Love Me Tender.
Don't Be Cruel.
And the King promises eternal life as well, for it is written that
old Presleyterians never die -- the just return to Sender. But still,
young Swami was spiritually restless, and he sought out wilder and
wilder sects. The turning point came when he woke up one morning with
a sugar hangover in a strange biker crash pad where the inhabitants
wore saffron leather vests and reeked of incense. That was when he
knew he'd hit bottom -- he had come one thin ponytail away from
becoming a Harley Krishna.
That day, the Swami swore off sects completely. Spirit was
immaterial, he decided, and he now sought fulfillment by filling
himself full of all the material goodies life could provide. He moved
to New York to study with the renowned guru of the stock market, Yuan
Tibet, who instructed him in the Dowist path. Swami became more and
more dependent on the stock market prophet, buying soybean futures
like there was no tamari. Suddenly, the price of soybeans plummeted
(due, it was later revealed, to a rumor planted by unscrupulous dairy-
heir that tofu actually came from between the toes of Himalayan
hikers). Swami frantically tried to call Yuan Tibet for his sage
advice, but he could not be found. Tragically, there had been some
prophet-taking on Wall Street, somebody took him, and he was never
heard from again.
Swami's fortunes fell just as the last slew of credit card bills
arrived, and he found himself in the midst of a near-debt experience.
He was a fiscal wreck. His whole world had come crashing down in one
swell poop, and as is often the case, he sought meaning in the midst
of tragedy. He stood in Central Park, shaking his fist at the sky and
shouting, "What is the MEANING of this?"
Well then the most amazing thing happened (for the complete account,
you will have to read Swami's new book, Duck Soup For The Soul). But
to make a long satori short, Swami was struck by enlightning during a
brainstorm, his clown chakra opened, and now he sees funny. Since
that time, Swami has traveled the world preaching FUNdamentalism --
accent on Fun. He has become a well-known figure in the Humor
Potential Movement, helping folks release jestive blockages such as
irregularhilarity, irony deficiency, humorrhoids and yes, even truth
While Swami has no followers per se (he says he gets paranoid when he
thinks he's being followed), he does train comic-kazis in the ancient
Chinese path of Fu Ling. "To live in this world," the Swami
says, "you must be able to take a joke. And if you can leave a few as
well, all the better."
He Who Tells the Best Story...
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's
a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never
told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave
a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Hell - Exothermic or Endothermic?
A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam,
for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit
bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he
set a single question on the sheet:
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but
decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. There are two possible conditions.
One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until
hell freezes over, condition two.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the
girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since
I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with
her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be
concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not
disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
Book of Mormon
Dead Sea Scrolls
My mama done tol' me
National Public Radio
Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here;
indicate all that apply:
Allowed bad things to happen to good people
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
Permits sex outside of marriage
Plays dice with the universe
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
Desperate need for certainty
Fear of death
Graduated from the tooth fairy
Hate to think for myself
Imaginary friend grew up
Indoctrinated by parents
Indoctrinated by society
Like organ music
Need to feel morally superior
Needed a day away from work
Needed a reason to live
Needed focus in whom to despise
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Wanted to piss off parents
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
Barney T. B. P. D.
The almighty dollar
The Great Pumpkin
The Great Spirit
The radical right
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Psychic Friends Network
Sex, drugs, rock and roll
Wandering in a desert
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve
the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of
our conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 15 you will be
entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of
winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power,
depending on number of beings entered).
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