|DR. ROBERT PUFF|
|HIGH JUMP, Tarun Sardana|
Nonduality Salon (/ \)
(excerpts from Mailing List submissions)
Now I shall write a book about my
life as an onion. But what could I say. What I have experienced or even the
layers that peeled away, are totally unknown by me. I can not sit and tell
you what parts have gone, if they have gone, I can not label them with
words. I am not physically different. I can look back and see in the mind
that which I was as a child, as a teen, as young adult and as I am today,
and the me I find looking back at me , has never changed. There are no
layers to see.
All is Divine. There is no separation, no dual concepts, no you and I, no
good ,nor evil. My essence mingles with your essence and we are one, We
are not a part of the whole, we are the whole. We ride the wave together.
Forget path. Forget goal. Forget beliefs.Forget the search .Forget
attainment. Forget everything you have learned. Just be.
I was down town watching some
performers in an on street stage as a part of the celebrations. Part of the
one of the local pan handlers happened to want to cross the street to join
his friends on the other side. This man, very seldom hits the same person
up twice but remembers those that give and always greets you with a smile,
a warm hello and offers a word or two about the weather. Some nice(?)
member of the establishment decided (in the best interest of others?) to
escort him across. I heard his friend ask why he did that, the man offered
in reply... "because I didn't think the people watching should be bothered
by his begging."
The man he escorted caught my eye, and he smiled and winked at me, knowing
I was watching, and I returned that smile. We both knew what drama was
being played out and he allowed the "good" citizen to do his thing. Wise
men come in all kinds of packages, from all walks of life. The beggar was
far more centered and in tune with the universe than the man that had to
protect others from what may have a been a exchange or experience for
further growth. Who are we to judge - who are we to take upon ourselves to
protect or to fight anothers battle- who are we to interfer with others
opportunity to teach or learn? We always seem to learn best, from those
that rock the boat. It is up to us to detach or discern what we must. When
opportunity is taken away from us, we are being robbed of that learning, no
matter how cruel or how kind, its all a matter of perception. The
opportunity to respond or react. Serenity is what we have after we work
through the pain. By protecting others, we are taking away that opportunity
to experience that serenity within themselves. How long it takes is
I am one that lived with an anger so powerful that I was actually ready to
stab my ex-husband. It would have been so easy. Is that spiritual or what?
Laughing. I scared myself so bad that I had an instant session with my
counsellor. Through that I was able to work with it, see where it came from
and express it freely before I could let it go. If I had suppressed it, I
would probably be in jail as we speak. I was never so afraid of myself in
my life and never knew I was capable of such a strong anger before.
I had to work it out with myself, but had the support of a wonderful First
Nations counsellor, that experienced that inner rage before herself and
knew what it was all about. I don't know if anyone can help anyone else
until they have lived through that experience and felt it first hand. No
amount of book learning can prepare one better than on hands learning.
Education is not just from a school but from life itself.
I learned that what I had experienced was NORMAL (?) under those
circumstances. And there was no need for guilt.
This was a couple of months before I left without notice. I was told that
if I didn't leave, between his anger and mine, God knows what could happen.
And no, this was not anything that I had to work out as a child, or a
teenager or anything other than the energy of that relationship.
Anger is scarey, anger and fear go hand in hand, I was wise enough to go to
someone for help to release it. There are many ways of releasing anger and
I had to use everyone before I finished working it through.
After this last week, while I was away, I once again put myself in the
direct line of fire with him again, in person, I had to see what reaction I
would have to his anger now, and it was good, I could see the drama being
played, and was aware of the feelings that were inside me. At one point, I
felt anger but was intune enough to walk away saying, No, I am not getting
into that, and refused to continue that line of conversation.
It took about ten minutes and I could continue once again as he had time to
settle down as well. It was a nessessary visit for me to make,
and I gained a great deal of understanding of the whole marriage, where the
trouble began, why it began and why it never got resolved.
This may not be important to anyone to do for themselves but for me, it
was, It was a time to let go, a time for the love that was there at one
time, to shine through, we could at last connect on a different level.
We are at peace with each other, even though we continue to work on
ourselves as individuals.
Anger is just an emotion, that tells us we are not happy with something or
someone, because we see a part of ourselves in that other person.
When I hear a couple exchanging verbal abuse, I no longer feel anger for
them or anything other emotion other than compassion. Getting to the point
beyond denial, - I saw that in me, I learned we are all capable of all
emotions, all fears, all feelings....... just because we haven't
experienced them yet, doesn't mean we are not capable of having them...and
thats the part that makes us angry and afraid. All fear, all anger is from
within and we transfer that unto others actions.
Thats is why we need to be aware of how we react, and or respond to any
given situation. each one is an experience for learning about ourselves.
We never get rid of anything, it is always there, but being aware of it, we
can get beyond that reaction, if we are centered, and grounded and totally
intune with ourselves.
If one person can say to me that they are totally beyond those things, and
not just controlling them, then I will celebrate another Xmas or wait for
three days at their grave to see them rise again. To say we are beyond
them, just has yet to experience the situation where they fear that strong,
or angry enough to do anything. That includes lifting cars off a loved one.
Anger and fear as also the basis for miracles to happen.
And I have rambled on enough, exposed enough of myself, I have learned many
things, and have alot more learning to do yet. But I can say, I am now at
peace with who I am , and I can embrace my emotions and am aware of them to
work them so they don't control me like they used to. What more can I ask
for, ... just do the best we can, we with what we got, at this moment in
time. One day at a time, one moment at a time, and the need for emotions
dimishes quite rapidly.
,,,, Gurus and sages,,,,,,,,Tell me who is named that ? And why a label.
There are no labels , no names in the IAM, so why do we need them at any
time. To let go and let be,,,,does not mean to cling to something, no
beliefs, no restrictions, no limitations, no gurus and no sages,,,,,,
But we can have tea with gentlemen of leisure from time to time,
Truth is truth,,,,, we are all beginers in the process,,,,everything and
everyone is constantly changing,,,,when someone can say " they have
arrived.." They are "here" ...... "I am there" then they are not. Opinion
and thought got in the way, and they are no longer there / here,,,to be
IAM is no thought,,,no words,,,,,no judgement,,,,,,,no labels,,,,,it just
if there is a sage or a guru on here,,,,,,introduce me please,,,,,,never
had the honor of bowing before someone before,,,,,,,
We are always on the path, whether we realize it or not. We were reborn
into to every experience for more learning, I spent hours and days
looking ofr something I could be apart of......I wanted to be one of group,
to say I BELIEVE IN ?....This is my path,,,,,,but..nothing felt right to
me.Most were to limiting,to restricting, to much ritual, to many
whatevers.....I found no group or organization that just taught awareness
and expansion of self, without restriction or a need to believe,,,,,,That
just did not leave me anything to belong to,,,,As a result -I felt more
alone than ever,,,,Then ,,I bought a computer,,,,this opened up a new
world,,,,I joined the Bridge mailing list,,,met all kinds of people. Out of
the two hundered or so that were on the list ,,,,there were a handful that
I felt drawn too,,,,,mostly because of their sense of freedom, and I could
relate to what each of them
were saying,,,,,and though they taught or spoke in different ways
,,,,,,each one said the same thing,,,,,,They won my heart so to speak......
When I reached my crash point,,,,they were there ,,,,not to hold my hand
but to walk beside me as I crawled through the dark period..
I give thanks every day that I was led to them,,, Out of the two hundred
people , EJ, Sandeep, Lobster, Einar, Bruce , all offered their wisdom, and
support...I don't idolize them,,,,put them on pedestals,(wouldn't want them
to fall off ) but I sure do love them . That is all I can offer
them,,,respect and love,,,,and they gave me so much more,, ( emotional
moment here guys-shhh)
I spent alot of my time on Light Mission reading, learning,,,and trying to
get a grasp on what I felt , or was looking for...It taught me that all I
was already available to me, by going within, working on myself, and healing,
Am I there yet? No,,, still having moments of crawling and throwing
tantrums,,, every so often moments of realizations come through and it feels
right,,, moments of bliss and moments of connection,,,,,,I learned to let
of expectations,,,,I try to live in the moment,,,,and to me , that's the big
lesson for me,,,,,staying in the moment and not projecting or regressing, I
may be wrong,,,,but I find by staying in the moment as much as
possible,,,there is nothing I need, nothing to crave, nothing missing,
nothing to fear, nothing to gain,,,,,it just is.....and I just
am......Every moment of my life,so far, has led me here,,,,,just to write
these words in this moment,,,It may not sound like much,,,,,,but to
me,,,its a blessing to have the freedom of speach,the freedom to
express,,,,and the freedom to share,,,,,
And by staying in the moment -
I don't give to much advise,,,,,if any---but as I said, my truths are in
the moment,,,,,stop the search,,,,,let go of expectations,,,and live every
moment as it happens,,whether you label it good or bad,,,,,its all we have....
nothing,,,,,,,,,,,say nothing,,,,,,,,,,,,,think nothing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
There you are,,,,,,,you have it ,,,,,,,,,everything and
nothing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,stay in the moment ,,,,there is nothing else
.......nothing to achieve,,,,,nothing to seek,,,,,
What are you looking for,,,,,all the if only's ,,,,so when you get tired of
running in circles,,,,you can look back and say,,,,,,if only I did
nothing,,,,I would have it all ?
Should I be in such a hurry?
Hurry to what? from what? Hurry towards what you are running from or too?
IF enlightenment isn't where you are standing,,,where will you look.....
I did all the hurrying for you already so relax,,,,,,,
Or, are the so odds stacked against spontaneous awareness?
No, spontaneous is only in the moment,,,,,,one spontaneous moment after
another,,,,,,,if you walk to quickly ,,you miss them all.
Gregg did not answer.......And that is the correct answer,,,For there is no
Gregg......Gregg is just a label we use to indentify him in the 3D plane of
existance,,,,,,, Gregg is but an illusion,,,,,,and illusions come and go at
So whatever or however you indentify yourself ,,,makes no difference,,,,,
Whats in a name? Now the Kabbalarians may argue that point ,,,,,,
Good question to ask,,,,,,did you find an answer other than IAM.........
or experience we have is an opportunity for attentive work. It is not
something that we have to sit down and intentionally do, It is intentional
that we observe our intention in every action. It is also only intentional
until it becomes a natural part of our existance, It is also known as being
awake and aware, This is also being aware of the distractions but not
being drawn into them, If we are drawn in, then be aware of that situation
also . If we are in the moment, there is no such thing as distractions,
but just a new -now - experience to observe,
We do not need methods ,,,,,,we need just to observe,
Again and Again
Again I break, leaving past behind,
My will been given into thine-
Again I break, disolving pride,
Hurts and fears-streaming wide-
Again I break, again I die,
Releasing bonds- again I fly-
Again I break- love streaming free,
You,and they, becoming me -
Again I break, grab the wheel,
Take control- drive by feel-
Again I break, again I see,
The hardship I have caused for me-
Again I break, leaving all desire,
To stand before the inner fire-
Again I break, to face confusion,
And leave behind, all disillusion-
Again, and again, I shall go,
Till all above, is- as below-
Sexuality is something we all have. How
many are and can say that they are totally comfortable within their own
How many are so in touch with themselves that sex is no longer an act or
action that proves they are a sexual being? How many can get beyond the
physical satisfaction of a physical orgasm and reach the
spiritual connection to the IAM.
Anyone can or has had sex to find a fulfillment or ease the feeling of
lonliness, only to be disappointed and be left feeling even more empty then
There is a difference between a sexual orgasm for satisfaction or release,
then to reach an orgasm through total connection on a soul level,
It is been said to me;..........And the author will remain
anonymous,,,,,,,I am no good
in bed, so I need to have some "metaphysical stuff" in the relationship to
What is your immediate reaction Shar, Hot anger?
Anger? Immeditate anger? No, one of sadness, One of thought,,,,another
search into self to find the depth of this statement to see if it rings
true or not,,,,,,,,,
Being good in bed, is not the issue. being good in bed is a matter of
perspective...If being good in bed means doing things that produce a
physical orgasm, then I can be dam good, If satisfaction in the physical is
first and forefront importance of the action. I can preform actions to give
an orgasm while I play a computer game, if that is all there is to it, But
it isn't,,,,,,it goes deeper than that, Sex is an
act,,,,,,,,,making, being, and sharing love is another story, We may live
in a fantasy world of own own making, thinking that there is more to a
relationship based on good sex. A good relationship is one that
connects on many levels, We can have more satisfaction in a trip to town
with a friend than we can have in bed with someone that performs a sexual
action. we can feel more of a connection to our center when we recieve a
a baby or child, then we do from someone that is only doing it for their own
benefit of what could come next, How many try and find that fulfilment
through another through sex, then they do by finding within themselves.
If two people can come together , complete within , then what they can
share between them is a spiritual connection,
One can not find completion in the bedroom, one can not find the self in
the bedroom. unless that connection is there through intimacy, openness,
honesty, trust and total abandonment,,,,,
One can still be lonely and alone, no matter how many orgasms they have,
And one can be totally satisfied and complete within a relationship where
sex is no longer possible physically,
Society has placed too much into sexuality, Turning it into a brown
wrapper thing and associating it with or in conjunction with fantasy or
pornography. Sexuality is being
totally comfortable with who you are , as you are, No matter what gender,
or sexual preference,
I have reached a point in my life, I am no longer afraid to be a sexual
to share a sexual encounter, to become "naked" in any way,,,,, but I do love
myself and accept myself to the point , to say,,,,,that if I can not
connect to someone on other levels, then what is the point of
just having sex with someone to attain orgasm, Orgasms are literally a dime
a dozen,,,,,,or free, you can do it alone, or you can do that with
someone else, what does it accomplish? What closeness does it bring you to
you -- your true self?
To get beyond that physical sensation and reach the depths of that ocean,
to reach the height beyond the sky,,,,to become one with all there is. This
is the point of ecstasy. bliss, This is true intimacy. This is connection
to the soul,,,
This is the extent of my worth, this is the gift of me to
you, and you to me,
To me this is sexual freedom, This is the ultimate orgasm, Why should I
settle for less, ?
This is my truth.
What is yours?
Most are not aware of the fact that we are being distracted,,,,,,only
that we have been,,,,,,,,
For me,,,,when I can, I stay grounded, centered, and in the flow of that
connected energy to source,
How ? At first by daily ritual......of clearing and cleansing my
aura,,,,gathering the bodies together, the etheric, emotional, physical,
and mental, by visualization, I ground through connecting rods, and connect
to the source through the crown chakra, having both the grounding energy
and source energy flow through me. I also hug trees when I can. I take
mental stock of where I am and do a quick pass through of those things, I
am also being more aware of when that connection has been broken and can
usually deal with that, IF not , I yell for help,
First we have to be there(grounded and centered),,,,,before we can be aware
of intent....if not , we are only aware of thought and not the inner
connection to self.
Thought is replaced with focus , focus becomes awareness and intuition,
intuition is knowing, Without knowing self, there is no Ground of Being.
How does one become aware of distraction,,,,,if one is not connected to the
Ground of Being in the first place?
I also know that a lot of people are new to this, That some discussions are
not understood because they do not have the basic understanding of the
body, the chakras, the energy flows, the aura......One can not just jump in
and BE THERE<,,,,,,,it is a process ....not a path,,,,,,,Meditation is also
a process,,,,,,,first we can't,,,,then we can,,,,,,,,it takes time,
everyone thinks it is something that comes over night and that is not true,
IT can take years of meditating and working through the process to reach
teh first encounter or experience of reaching the IAM, Staying there is
another process that takes time ,,,,,,,,That is one reason that mail lists
lose their focus,,,,because the members involved are not familiar with the
process or understand it,
I am not saying they are stupid or not intelligent,,,,,jut not familiar,
Everyone wants to be, so few are, Those that are insulted by that,,,, are not,
We have to teach and learn from each other,,,,,and we have to share from
the heart center........We are all beginners on the path, everyday brings
new insights and new discoveries, No one "IS THERE" Intellectually , maybe,
but not in practise ,,,,,,,
We can not ever forget that there are those that need a helping hand,,,,,
we can't ever forget to reach out our own hand to others for help........
spirituality is not about who knows the most, but it is the way we support
each other, show compassion, encouragement and try to keep a focus...
Morality Warriors, and more get hung
on up on the psychic....and there they stay.. Those are off shoots to
awakening , and are not the end all or be all of it. They do offer alot of
confusion and awe.....People like awe.....people like to be
different,,,,they like to be noticed, they like the attention and they like
their five minutes of fame, So if they can make a statement without
talking,,,,then they do that also,By the way they dress, by the way they
comb or shave their hair, its all a cry for attention,,,to feel important,
to build their self esteem,
Some are so busy talking about spirituality and growth, they have no time
to grow, Those that say the most, do the least,,,,,thats where simplicity
""Simplicity leaves life time to be lived,,,Life is what happens while you
are busy making plans.""
Boy was that a way to change the subject,,,so let me think a sec,,,,,oh ya,
chastity and celibacy,,,,make life alot simpler.....no hassels,,,,no
no unnessessary attachments...
Teaching is not a negative thing,,,,there can be alot of learning to be
done by the teaching,,,,,if one is open to feedback and open to being
aware of what there is to learn..One of the problems with a set path or
process, is just that,,,,,a stalemate,,,limited and restrictive...Two ways
to teach,- what we are taught and what we know(experienced) What we are
taught is mundane,,and never changing,,,
what we experience is constant movement of energy , never getting stale and
always new, always now. What we learn today from experience is not what we
will learn tomorrow,,,Learning is limitless,,,painful, exciting,,emotional,
full of joy and laughter, Learning is infinite,,,,until we learn and share
the infinite we can only teach with words which are limited,,,,Combine
both ,,,,,experience as you teach,,,,teach what you experience...true
knowledge is never ending,,,I know I had a peek,
Are the words I am hearing stemmed from fear? A fear of losing who we are
to become someone we don't know yet? Its almost as if we are saying "Let me
remain conditoned because I am afraid not to be?" A fear of the unknown,?
One of my questions was always, if I am without condition, without emotion,
then how do I relate to people? Will I not be cold and self centered?
I studied and practised for years , doing meditation, exercises , ritual,
and that got my absolutely no where , I got frustrated and angry because I
got no where, I think I may have played at awakening for about 15 years,,,
talk about a waste of time. Hindsight being 20/20. All I got was more
conditioning,. I could talk about it , sort of, but I could never walk it.
Everything I wanted was lost in the fear of losing myself, and those around
me, One foot in the water and one on the dock, Little spots of bliss in
meditation or when I was focused on something else. I wanted and still do
want this on a steady basis.
Stepped into the void, crashed and burned, rebuilding as we speak, and yet
I feel as if I have to do that again, I still feel that there is a hurdle
I am stumbling over to gain that total awareness, And I am to blind to see
it. It's there, I am aware of it, but its just this glob of blackness that
blocks me. I can see the light around it, that eminates from behind but
what is the move I have to make to get through it? What is holding me back
but fear? What is it that I am afraid of letting go this time?
And why am I am feeling anger towards myself for being so blind ? Am I
trying to hard to see, what it is instead of focusing on what is?
Analytical thought and discussion is just another form of our
conditioned thinking translating for us, To understand a quote or saying,
one must feel it, experience it or only guess the true meaning. That is why
there is room for discussion, each one translates it into intelligence
rather than by intuitively knowing. Leaving us stumbling to use a
language of words to exlain something that can only be felt into that which
is intelligent. That is why children are such good teachers, they have not
been conditioned by society yet, so they find no need for intelligence,
tact,or translation:; they are all Zen masters. As are all of those that
can not be taught or swayed. Therein lies the difference between the wise
man and the fool. Which one is which?
To solidify the foundation of your being,,,,seems pretty heavy,
pretty solid, unmoveable, and quite restricting in movement or growth.
On a personal level here for a moment: My second husband did the drug
thing, LSD, looking for what I am not sure,,,,,but he found it, he reached
teh point where he was litterally at one with all that was, As he came
down, he spoke of having to put himself back together as in dressing
himself with ego, personality etc and put it in terms of being like putting
on a pair of shitty pants, After this experience he lost his center,His
knowledge of who he was, this experience threw him into anxiety attacks,
and a sense of fear that he is living with today, He is still having a hard
time trying to solidify. He is at the point still, that his home, his
house, is literally the only place he feels secure, He can not even enjoy a
vacation for more than a day, without the need to go back to that center,
He allowed it to run his life, He seeks for that freedom, to grow, to learn
and experience the truth, but he is forced to maintain that safe
footing,,,his foundation, it is through this fear, that he can not allow
himself to live. He yearns for freedom, but can not allow himself to find
it, He is angry at himself but blames others for that anger, he is fearful
and untrusting,and blames others for that fear,,,,, Is this where you are
at also? Do you need to hang on to the foundation out of fear of letting it
go? Do you need to feel or believe something solid to feel safe?
Our observations are just
that-observations,,,,,made by conditioned viewing...... and understanding
of what we can see only by the naked eye and heard by the naked ear. We
can't see or hear what was before or what lead up to, all we see and hear
is what is ,,,unless we can look and listen with the eyes and ears of
awareness,and understanding, To look and listen to what is beyond being
said or done.
So many jump to conclusion with what they precieve to be seen or heard as
truth, The old saying" Believe none of what you hear and only half of what
you see,".. Alot of our understanding is based on conditioned responses as
well. Our experience is swayed by our reactions, if we can hold off
reacting and respond through awareness, then more than half what we
experience would take a different slant, understanding or direction.
Life is illusion, we are an illusion,,,, our experiences therefore are
illusion,,,,,,, when we are disillusioned with thoughts,emotions,thinking,
looking,hearing,listening with and in life, then we have no other path than
to go within for answers and truth. Then the path becomes a process, a
process of working through and with the conditoned parts of our being, this
comes from being aware of the experience as it is happening, being aware of
our responses as they happen, not becoming them or hanging on to them, just
experiencing them as they relate to the moment that is.
Being in the moment that is, allows us all to be Zen Masters,,,,,,,so that
is no big deal either, just another label to make us feel
inferior........and signs off now before going off on yet another
AH ! the fear. I can relate to this. The fear of finding out all you
have learned, all you have felt, all you long for is redunant. All you have
deemed as important, has abolutely no bearing towards quality of life.
Fear of the state of being nothing, reduced to a mere shell of a body.
Fear of finding the void, hitting an emotional bottom. fear of letting go
of what you call your individuality, fear of losing what we have come to
know as ourselves. Fear of losing our values, our indentification.
At one time, I was ready to shoot you at the drop of a hat. I was
angry at you for making me look in places that I didn't want to look.
And I kept coming back for more. I began to think of my self as finding
pleasure in the pain, and in one sense I did. For every spark of anger, I
found a piece of truth, there is nothing better than discovery, after the
pain. Serenity is what is left after you work through the pain.
I like the saying" When I gave up hope, I began to feel better"
I celebrate your feelings of antagonism between you and the you within.
There is much to be said about mental masterbation, it makes us feel good
and gives us pleasure, but what happens after the pleasure is gone? We look
outside ourselves for mutual mental masterbation with another.If we don't
find someone willing to participate we get angry. And even if we do find a
partner , we get angry if they don't do it the way we want or like. If we
don't find that pleasure as equally fullfilling we get angry. Any sort of
physical and mental satisfaction is a diversion, an escape from being alone
with ourselves. We like the body and mind to be busy so we don't have to
face the lonliness of the separation from self. The answer is always the
same. Go within.
There is no quick fix, no painless way, face the fears, face the anger.
do the work, and the rest will follow.
The difference between her and I, is that I like playing in the
dirt, The dirt just IS, no masks, no mental mind games, no pretense of
being what it is not, The dirt is always in the moment, The dirt has alot
to teach me in just being,
Sincere effort and yet non - effort. Sometimes we experience a resistance
when we try too hard, we spend so much time worring about it, wanting it,
that it can evade us- because it takes us out of the moment and into a time
that doesn't exist- either past or future,,,, The effort being non
effort.....just being, if that is understandable. Just being, is the
hardest part of all. That takes the most effort.
|DR. ROBERT PUFF|
|HIGH JUMP, Tarun Sardana|